Cain’s Favorites: Everything’s Fine, Thanks For Asking

Hey, guys! Today’s my birthday! Forty six years I’ve been kicking around this old world of ours, and look at what I’ve got to show for it.

A mildly successful blog about anime, and an ongoing struggle to be taken seriously as an author.

Huh.

Wow. Thanks for bringing me down, guys. Appreciate that.

Today, I wanted to share another my favorite short stories by me, cause I do that here, at my blog, and nyah! The reason this is one of my favorites is because, first off, it’s deeply fucked up, much like me, and second, it was a challenge to myself, that I think I pulled off.

No, I don’t want to know if you agree. My birthday. My lie.

The challenge to myself was to see if I could write a story, using as just dialogue, and limiting descriptive narrative to as little as possible. I forget now why I wanted to do this, but I got this cool story out of it, so whatever.

Yeah, I know. Ambitions. We all have different ones. Now, hush, and read the damn story, then say happy birthday.

Assholes.

DnD Funny 2

“Hey, Tommy! How you been?”

“Oh, hi Raph. Okay, I guess. Where you been lately? I haven’t seen you in a couple months.”

“Yeah, me and the guys went off to explore this dungeon. Killed some zombies and stuff.”

“Wow. Everyone come back okay?”

“Pretty much, yeah. There was this new guy, what was his name? Oh, right. Joey. He didn’t make it.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Nah, it’s cool. He was an idiot.”

“Oh. That’s okay then, I guess.”

“So, where’s Bella? I’ve been dying for some of her pumpkin pie lately.”

“Ah, yeah, right. Bella.”

“Dude, you okay? You don’t look so good.”

“No, no, I’m fine. It’s just that, well, Bella’s gone.”

“What?”

“Yeah, about three weeks ago now.”

“Oh man. I’m so sorry. How’d it happen?”

“Orc.”

“Bastards! Tell you what, Tommy. I’m gonna go round up the guys, and we’re gonna hunt these sons of bitches down and make them pay!”

“You’re gonna what? Why would you do that?”

“Uh, you know, for killing your wife.”

“Bella’s not dead.”

“But you said she was gone.”

“She is. She left me.”

“Wait, what? Bella left you for an Orc?”

“Yeah. She did.”

“Dude, that is messed up! What the hell?”

“I dunno. She said something about needing to be satisfied. Whatever, right?”

“Yeah, but, wow man. I mean, just wow.”

“What are you gonna do? That’s life, right?”

“I don’t… dude. I am so sorry. You need anything? Can I do anything for you?”

“No, no. Everything’s fine, thanks for asking. I appreciate it.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

“Okay, I guess. You need anything, let me know, okay?”

“Will do.”

I spend the rest of the day working very hard at looking busy, but don’t accomplish anything.

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“Tommy! Hey, Tommy! Over here man!”

“Hey Raph! Wow, it’s loud in here!”

“Yeah, I know, right? Pretty wicked!”

“What’s going on?”

“I got knighted, man!”

“Oh, wow, congrats! You deserve it!”

“Say what?”

“I said you deserve it!”

“Hang on, let’s step outside. I can’t hear a thing!”

“Ah, yeah, that is better.”

“The guys, you know how they are. Once a party starts, they gotta make it a loud one.”

“Oh, hey, no problem. Looks like they’re enjoying themselves.”

“Hell yeah, man. It’s a great day!”

“Right, yeah, congrats on the knighthood.”

“Hey, thanks, Tommy. I appreciate that.”

“No, you deserve it. You’ve saved the whole kingdom like, what, three times now?”

“Four, but we don’t talk about that one time.”

“Oh, okay. Four, then.”

“So, how you been, bud? Meet anybody new since that thing with Bella?”

“Ah, yeah, I did. Susan.”

“Well, all right, my main man! Look at you, jumping back in the saddle!”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that. It didn’t last long.”

“Dude. Please tell me it wasn’t another Orc.”

“No, no, not an Orc. An Elf.”

“Bastards! Slick son of a bitch, too, I bet. All graceful and shit.”

“She was.”

“I know right! Wait, what? Did you say she?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow.”

“I know.”

“Gimme a sec. Gotta put that image out of my head.”

“Take your time.”

“Dude, what happened?”

“I’m not really sure. One day, everything was going great, then this carnival troupe came to town, and Susan left with them. Said she’d found her soul mate with whatever her name was.”

“Dude, she didn’t even tell you the bitch’s name?”

“No, she did, but it’s Elven, and well, you know.”

“Need two tongues just to try and wrap yourself around it. I feel ya, man.”

“Yeah, something like that.”

“Man, I’m just, wow. I don’t even know what to say. That’s some crappy luck, bro.”

“It’s okay. That’s life, right?”

“Yeah, I know, but still, least they could have done is let ya watch once or something, right?”

“I… what?”

“What?”

“I don’t think that would have helped.”

“Oh, right, no, of course not. Sorry man.”

“Forget it.”

“You gonna be okay, bud? You need anything?”

“No, no. Everything’s fine, thanks for asking. I appreciate it.”

“Okay, but if you need something, let me know, okay?”

“First person I’ll go to.”

I spend the rest of the night listening to a Dwarf rant about the price of mithril. I think. He was very drunk.

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“Yo, Tommy! Long time no see!”

“Hey, Raph. Wow, look at you. Spiffy.”

“Yeah, the Princess though I needed some new threads now that I’m a Baron.”

“Yeah, I heard about that. Thanks for the tax drop, by the way.”

“No problem. I got money to burn.”

“Adventuring business has been good, then, I take it?”

“Right on! Man, I tell you, it’s like all this shit is just sitting around waiting for someone to pick it up! It’s awesome.”

“Sounds like.”

“Bet your ass, man. And the chicks! Whoa, now. Just waiting to toss their skirts up for me.”

“I’m sorry, weren’t you seeing someone?”

“Oh, yeah. Kirata. That Half-Elf ranger chick.”

“Yeah, her. She seemed nice. What happened?”

“Got her brain sucked out by a thing.”

“Holy crap! Oh, man, Raph, I’m so sorry.”

“Nah, it’s cool. I was looking for a way to break it off with her anyway.”

“You were… what?”

“Yeah.”

“Raph!”

“What? She was getting all clingy, man. Wanting to talk about the future, and kids, and shit like that. I’m a stallion, man, you know that. I need my freedom.”

“Yeah, but still…”

“Look, the way I see it, things went the best they could. Sure, she got her brain sucked out through her eye socket, but that’s better than getting her heart broken, right?”

“I guess, when you look at it like that, maybe. Still, Raph, that’s pretty messed up.”

“That’s the life of an adventurer, bro.”

“I guess.”

“What about you? You ever get over Susan?”

“Oh, sort of, yeah, I guess.”

“Dude, what happened now?”

“Well, I started seeing this woman. Laura was her name.”

“Yeah, and?”

“Things went good for a while. We moved in together.”

“Did the old rattle and bang, did ya?”

“Uh… yeah. Something like that.”

“So, what happened? Not another Elf chick, right?”

“I think that’s a once in a lifetime experience, to be honest.”

“I dunno, I’ve had a few threesomes with Elves, man.”

“I have no idea how to respond to that.”

“Forget it. What went down with this Lucy chick?”

“Laura.”

“Right. Sorry.”

“Well, turns out she was a mage.”

“Right on, man! They really do know how to make the earth move, am I right?”

“Uh… not so much. She was a fire mage.”

“Oh, bro! Hot and spicy!”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Sorry, Tommy. I get excited for you. I know after that whole thing with Bella, it’s been hard for you.”

“Thanks.”

“So, what happened?”

“Oh, yeah. Nothing at first. We got through about three weeks together without a problem.”

“And?”

“Turns out she get’s very emotional during her time of the month.”

“What chick don’t, bro?”

“Most don’t burn the house down when they do.”

“Oh, wow.”

“Yeah.”

“So, wait… Dude! Where are you living?”

“Mr. Potter let’s me sleep in his barn, as long as I tend the horses.”

“What!”

“It’s not so bad.”

“Not so bad? Are you nuts? No, this isn’t happening. You go get your shit, Tommy. You’re coming back to my keep and staying with me.”

“Oh, hey, Raph, no. I can’t do that.”

“What do you mean you can’t? Tommy, dude, I’m not letting you sleep in a damn barn.”

“It’s okay, really. It’s just for a while, till I get back on my feet.”

“Back on your feet? Tommy, listen to me, dude. Your house got burned down. By your girlfriend. Because she got emotional.”

“Then she left me cause she didn’t want to date a homeless guy. I was there.”

“Say what?”

“It’s kind of complicated, really.”

“Complicated? Tommy, it’s freaking crazy! Go get your shit. You’re staying with me.”

“Raph, I can’t. I have to stand on my own two feet. You know that.”

“Yeah, no, I get that, but come on. Let me do this. Please? Let me do this for you.”

“No, I’m sorry, but I can’t. I don’t want to be a mooch.”

“Geeze, Tommy. Okay, fine. But, if you change your mind, come tell me, okay?”

“I will.”

“Is there anything I can do for you? Anything you need? Anything at all?”

“Everything’s fine, thanks for asking.”

I spend the rest of the day shoveling manure from under Potter’s flatulent horses. It could be worse. I think.

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“Holy crap! Tommy? Is that you?”

“Hi Raph. Yeah, it’s me.”

“Dude, what the hell are you doing under the bridge?”

“Taking a nap. What’s it look like?”

“Tommy, get up. Come out from under there. Shit, man, you smell like crap.”

“Sorry.”

“No, I mean… dammit, bro, what happened to you?”

“Oh, you know.”

“Woman troubles again?”

“Yeah.”

“Buddy, listen to me. You gotta pull yourself up. Sleeping under a bridge? That’s for Trolls man.”

“Well, you know, not everyone gets to sleep in a fancy mansion and date the freaking Princess, okay?”

“Heard about that, did you?”

“Raph, everyone has heard about that.”

“Yeah, I guess so. What can I say, bro? I like the quiet freaky ones.”

“Good for you.”

“Come on, now, don’t be like that. It’s not like I didn’t offer you a place at my keep back when.”

“I know. I’m sorry, Raph. It’s just, well, every time I think things can’t get worse, somehow they do.”

“Look, come over here. Sit down and tell me what’s happened to you.”

“Oh, never mind that. You got better things to do than worry about me.”

“Tommy, shut your mouth, or I’ll punch you. You’re my best friend. I make time for you. Got that?”

“Got it. Sorry.”

“Come on, what happened?”

“Well, you remember I was staying in Potter’s barn?”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“So, there I was, working to get back on my feet, like I said, when I met Sally.”

“Okay.”

“She wasn’t much to look at.”

“Nothing wrong with that if you love her, buddy.”

“She only had one eye.”

“Eww.”

“One leg was shorter than the other.”

“Dude!”

“Had three fingers on her left hand.”

“Tommy! Holy shit!”

“What? It wasn’t like I was in any position to be choosy. She didn’t have a sense of smell!”

“Oh, come on! What the hell?”

“I smelled like horse shit, okay? You know how hard it is to get a girl when you smell like horse shit?”

“Ummm… no. I can’t say I do.”

“Okay then.”

“So, what happened?”

“Well, things were going good for a while. Till I met her father.”

“He didn’t approve?”

“Not exactly.”

“Cause of the whole barn thing?”

“More like he thought I would make a better lunch than a son in law.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“He was a Troll.”

“Oh, God, Tommy.”

“Yeah. But it’s okay. I talked him out of eating me.”

“Good thinking.”

“Yeah. That’s why I was sleeping under the bridge.”

“You… wait, what?”

“Yeah. If I’m going to marry Sally, he needs to know I can keep up the family obligations.”

“Dude! DUDE!”

“What?”

“You’re going to marry this chick?”

“Again, options, don’t really have them.”

“No. No, Tommy, I can’t let this go. I’m sorry, but this I can’t let happen.”

“Raph, it’s fine.”

“Bullshit! Tommy, come on, look at yourself! You’re sleeping under a bridge to win the blessings of a Troll so you can marry his butt ugly daughter! And you haven’t shaved in, what, a month, at least? This is not fine.”

“No, it’s okay. Really.”

“Tommy, for crying out loud, let me help you.”

“No. I can’t and I won’t. I can take care of myself.”

“Look at me.”

“What? Why?”

“Just, look at me.”

“Okay…”

“Everything I am today, I owe to you.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.”

“Who loaned me the money to buy my first sword and armor? Huh? Who, Tommy?”

“I guess that would have been me.”

“And who refused to let me pay him back after I made my first big haul? Who was that?”

“Me, again.”

“Yeah. You. My best friend. My bud. And now, here you are, at the very bottom of the barrel, and I’m at the top, and you won’t let me repay you. Why, Tommy?”

“I don’t want to be that guy.”

“What guy?”

“The guy you had to save.”

“Are you fucking with me?”

“No, Raph. I’m serious. I don’t have much, I’ll grant you that, but I have my pride.”

“For the love of… Okay, fine. I get it. I do. But, please, for the love of all that’s holy, let me lend you some money, at least enough to buy a house. Please? Let me do that much for you? Can I?”

“No, Raph. Everything is fine, thanks for asking.”

“Okay, then.”

“Good luck with the Princess, Raph. You deserve her.”

“Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

I watch him walk away. My best friend. He slumps and looks weary as he looks back at me. I did the right thing. I think.

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“Hello, citizen!”

“Raph?”

“Tommy? Dude, is that you?”

“Yeah! Heya Raph! Oh, sorry, I mean Sire.”

“Oh, screw that! Come here, buddy! Gimme a hug!”

“Oof!”

“Hey, look at you, man! You look great!”

“Yeah, things have really turned around for me.”

“I can see this. What happened? Last time I saw you, you were about to marry a Troll’s daughter.”

“Yeah, well, that was before I met Gerta.”

“Gerta?”

“Yeah, that’s her, over there.”

“The blonde? Sweet.”

“No, Raph, the red head.”

“Dude, that’s a Half-Orc!”

“Yeah. She’s my tusk toothed princess. ”

“Eww.”

“Knock it off, Raph. She’s gonna be my wife soon.”

“I’m not sure this is an improvement.”

“Raph!”

“Okay, sorry. Just kidding, bro. I mean, look at ya. Just like your old self again. I guess she’s been good to you.”

“She has. After we met, everything turned around for me. I don’t know why, but suddenly, everyone was so nice, and things just sort of went my way all the time.”

“Uh, yeah. I can’t figure that one either.”

“She’s my good luck charm.”

“Hey, wait, what happened to Sally, then? Did you break it off with her?”

“Sort of. Gerta wanted to do it.”

“Oh, woman to woman, eh?”

“Kinda, yeah.”

“How’d Sally’s dad take it?”

“That’s what Gerta broke over Sally.”

“Holy shit!”

“Yeah. It was actually kinda hot.”

“You are one messed up dude.”

“You’re one to talk!”

“I… um… yeah, okay.”

“I know it’s weird, Raph, but come on. I’m better than I’ve ever been, and I’m happy. At least try to get to know her. For me, okay?”

“For you, bro, anything. You know that.”

“I do.”

“She’s not gonna try to eat me or nothing, though, right?”

“Relax. She’s very civilized.”

“You sure this is what you want, Tommy? I mean, if it is, I’ll pull out all the stops. Say the word, and it’s yours. Let me do that, okay?”

“No thanks, Raph. Everything’s fine, thanks for asking.”

He smiles and I introduce him to my future wife. She almost breaks his hand shaking it. He kind of had it coming.

Everything is fine.

Thanks for asking.

The End

©-2019 Cain S. Latrani

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7 thoughts on “Cain’s Favorites: Everything’s Fine, Thanks For Asking

  1. Hello my friend…I’m a bit late to the party (well…when I’m using Dutch timezones that is as I’m almost heading into tomorrow here again. Which is code for it’s nearing midnight here). But I’m glad I still caught this post before heading off to sleep. Yes: I am still alive, that’s the good news. The bad news is my health still sucks, but I’ll be heading to the doctor tomorrow again for probably getting some more tests to find out what exactly the F. is currently wrong with me. But that’s enough depressive talk for one comment.
    Most important thing is: Happy Birthday! 🎉🎉🎉 I hope that despite everything you can enjoy it a little bit, because well…I always say birthdays are important. And they should be cherised as well. I have said it many times, you are an amazing (okay slightly crazy, but hey..so am I ) person, and I’m very happy and proud to call you my friend.
    I really am sorry for not being here much. I do the occasional check in the reader every once in a while…and I am glad that once in a while just happened to be today.
    So: happy birthday my friend: here’s to hopefully many more!! 😊😊😊 Keep being the wonderful, completely nuts, and just downright awesome guy that you are! 😊😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, as always, for being awesome yourself.

      No worries about stuff, man. You got stuff going on, and frankly, I’m just happy knowing you are taking care of yourself. That’s the most important thing.

      Says the guy who smokes a pack a day, but I don’t see how that invalidates it at all.

      My birthday, my lie. Roll with it.

      Seriously, thank you. You are truly a blessing in my life, and I am deeply grateful to know you.

      Like

    1. Pretty sure you have. Just where eludes me at the moment. Probably all the nasty weather we’re getting. At least, that’s what I’m gonna blame instead of age.

      Yup. Going with that.

      Thank you, Joe. Somehow, I’m still here, and I’m grateful for the wonderful friends I have.

      That includes you, if you were wondering.

      Yeah, I’m still a sarcastic dick. Don’t think age fixes that.

      Like

      1. Happy you’re still around 🙂 and don’t change. We like ya as you are. Regarding age, it seems to fix little. Breaking things seems to be its specialty. Knees, backs, brains. Hold on to what you can & keep taking care!

        Like

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