It all began on April 18th, 20and some number we’ll randomly call now. Nobody noticed at first, of course, because it was a Monday, and most people don’t really notice Mondays in the first place. They’re far to Monday to really pay much attention to.
It started like any other Monday, with everyone dragging themselves up from their weekend hangovers and going to work. The day progressed, and ended, with all the usual business being done.
Republicans and Democrats blamed each other for everything, while America sat on the sidelines watching it, with popcorn, like it was the latest reality show. Which it totally was. Mostly, they argued over who got to bang a tiny hammer. Everyone took sides. Hilarity, and ratings, ensued.
Elsewhere, several people, alleged to be Muslim, blew themselves up, along with a lot of other people, in the name of Allah. Allah was unable to be reached for comment, furthering the suspicion that He was actually God, operating under an alias, for fear of reprisal by Christians.
Japan continued to frighten the world with their creative use of tentacles, especially in high school girls locker rooms. China continued to deny the rest of the world existed, even though Google Earth clearly showed it did, which they called treason. Russia continued being confused about its political orientation, despite everyone urging it to come out of the closet.
Canada was a little more Canadaier. Nothing new there.
In short, it was an average Monday. Nothing overly new happened, at least, not until the next morning. While this might normally be Tuesday’s problem, everyone soon came to understand that Tuesday had taken a vacation, and wasn’t coming back any time soon.
After a brief period of shock, and a lot of Garfield jokes, everyone accepted that it was Monday again. No one was overly sure why it was Monday again, but it was. The sun had set, and risen, but Tuesday had simply not gotten off the plane, forcing Monday to be there, shrugging in an awkward fashion, as if to say it was sorry for hanging around.
Again, nothing really happened. The day repeated itself, more or less, with little variation. Americans snarled at one another over a make believe political fence. China declared Tuesday’s had never, in fact, existed. Japan scared everyone. Russia wandered around aimlessly. Canada just, well, Canadaed.
Then Wednesday was Monday as well. Apparently, Tuesday and Wednesday had run off together, and taken all the kids, leaving no day but Monday behind. Things got a little hairy then.
In America, the Republicans promptly blamed the Democrats for the sudden lack of weekdays, and worse, weekends. The Democrats stared at them in surprise, shuffled their feet, and tried to figure out how any of this was really their fault.
Most of the criticism for the lack of new days was directed at the President, for everyone had known he was trying to become President for life, and now he suddenly was. For his part, he seemed a bit terrified at the whole notion.
The Republicans sat back in the money lined offices, adjusted their pages heads under their desks, and sneered. The Democrats apologized for upsetting the status quo, even thought they weren’t sure how they’d done it, and sulked in the corner, tweeting pictures of their private parts.
While the politicians played the blame game, the stock market crashed, only to fully recover the very next morning, where it crashed again. This went on for a week of Mondays before everyone gave up and let the stock market wander aimlessly, a suddenly irrelevant beast.
It spent a few Mondays snarling at everyone, a hideous injured beast, before curling up in its den and taking a long nap. No one knows for certain, but it may have eaten a few investment bankers before hand. It was too much of a bother to check up on them all.
With the economy in a perpetual roller coaster ride that went no where, Americans in general pondered what to do with themselves now that they had to relive the same day over and over again. Once the reruns got old, many went outside, blinking into the bright Monday sun with eyes that had long ago adapted to darkened rooms and computer screens.
They pulled their hands out of their pants, and greeted each other, leaving behind the chains of internet pornography and reconnecting as people. It was a glorious day. It got old pretty fast, however, and riots broke out as soon as they remembered why they had hidden from each other in the first place.
Americans don’t like each other very much. When they tired of rioting, and returned home, the day restarted, and they returned to their internet porn and Facebook, complaining about each other again. The riots had caused a lot of damage, but it was all gone when Monday started over, so no one cared.
Among the worst hit of the industries was cable news programs, who quickly discovered they had nothing to talk about. Many people had discovered this some time ago, but it was quite shocking for the anchors and pundits. Befuddled by the sudden realization they didn’t matter in the first place, they filled time yelling at each other about who was most irrelevant.
America stopped watching tv after that.
Also taking a painful blow was prostitution. Many girls, and guys, kept restarting the day ass deep in the same person. What had already been incredibly boring, got frustrating, and lead to a brief spike in homicides. Not that it mattered. They were ass deep again as soon as the day restarted itself, proving once and for all that once you are ass deep, there’s really no getting out.
Elsewhere in the world, allegedly Muslim people blowing themselves up became terribly frustrating when it had to be repeated every day. The entire industry of self exploding petered out and stopped when it became pointless to do so, making many people wonder if it had all been an attention grabbing scam in the first place.
Some suspected the allegedly Muslim self exploders had just wanted someone to love them. With no other way to get the attention they so desperately craved, they returned to their homes, sulked, and watched the Pakistan version of Jeopardy. They knew all the answers after a few days, but it was still fun to watch the contestants try to beat each other to the buzzer.
Japan didn’t change much. There’s a huge market for tentacles in girls locker rooms after all. It is Japan.
Russia wandered aimlessly, growing more confused by the day, until someone caught it having sex with China in the supply room. China denied it, of course, but everyone knew. They had seen it.
Canada dealt with the entire mess the way they always did. By being Canadaier and Canadaier, until at last, they reached maximum Canadaness. Also known as level 80 in WoW.
There was a big celebration after that. No one was invited, because it’s Canada.
Struggling to understand, the world pressed on, dealing with the infinite recursion of Monday as best it could. No one could say just why it was happening, but happening it was, and not in an M. Night Shyamalan kind of way, either. That was actually considered worse than this, but only by a little.
Mr. Shyamalan seemed a bit miffed, but everyone figured he had it coming for boning The Last Airbender so bad, and couldn’t be bothered to give a damn.
Somewhere along the way, several months of Mondays into the mess, a few shock radio personalities got together and decided it was time to force the real issue into the light. Without naming them, they were That Guy Who Cries A Lot, The Fat One, and The Wicked Witch of the West.
The issue they pressed was that this was all happening as punishment from God, or perhaps Allah if he was in that kind of a mood today, for not eliminating all corporate tax laws. After all, if an earthquake could be the fault of people being too black, or Japanese, and a hurricane could be a vague warning of something that was also very vague, then surely this must be something divine as well.
The issue became a firebrand around which many people gathered and shouted stupid things. They were stupid things for obvious reasons, but that will be explained shortly. Ultimately, after many Mondays crafting, and recrafting, and rerecrafting legislation, the law was presented, passed, and the President was bludgeoned with it until he signed it in a fit of faint.
Come the next Monday, the old tax laws were back, proving beyond argument that God doesn’t give a single damn about corporate tax rates. Possibly because he was too busy running an entire universe, or possibly because such an idea as Him caring about tax rates in the first place is absurd. It may have been because he wasn’t real, but that remained unproven.
Disheartened, the personalities that began the battle returned to the lairs, while their Republican allies again adjusted their pages head beneath their desks, scowling deeply. The Democrats tweeted uncensored images to each other with dark snickers of joy, but no one ever really cared what they thought in the first place.
After 683,256 recursions of the same Monday, the entire world had gotten a bit tired of the whole thing. Nothing ever changed. The same thing was always on television, the stock market humped itself, and in general, the world remained annoyingly the same, Monday in and Monday out.
That Monday, however, Monday number 683,257 was different. At roughly 12:19 pm, eastern time, everything changed. It began with a loud screeching sound, like that of a microphone, that lasted 4.2 seconds, though in later examination, this was revealed to be a meaningless coincidence.
From every speaker in every radio, computer, television, and earbud in the world, the sound came. A voice soon followed, speaking a language no one had ever heard, but everyone understood all the same. Perhaps the voice of God, or Allah if he was feeling fancy that day. Here is what it said.
“Excuse me, I’m terribly sorry, but there seems to have been a bit of a mixup in the accounting department. Your universe was suspended for non payment by mistake, and we are terribly sorry for the inconvenience. All reality hosting will resume where it was left off. Thank you for your patience, and please contact us through the usual means if you have any questions.”
No one knew what to think. No one knew what to say. The next day, it was Tuesday, and then came Wednesday, and Thursday, as well as Friday, and the weekend to boot. Time was moving forward again, and new things were happening. New shows were on the television, and new porn on the internet. Things were happening as they should have, and it was good.
Though, there was still the matter of the voice, and its mysterious message. Humanity, collectively, came together to discuss the matter, and what they should do about it. Should they adjust all their religions? Change the geo political landscape? Was there some greater truth out there we could not, as a species, began to grasp?
Collectively, all of humanity, regardless of race, creed, color, religion, and most shockingly, gender, came to a unanimous decision on how to move forward in the aftermath of this unprecedented event.
Here was their final verdict.
“Ah, fuck it.”