Once upon a pretty recent time, in a suburb right over there, lived a family of Gnomes. Despite what most people may think of Gnomes, the family owned a nice two story house with white vinyl siding. There were petunia patches along the drive way, and a well trimmed hedge as well.
There was also a weeping willow in the back yard, but it is of no consequence.
The head of the family, Nigel Gnomblonski, was the sort of man who always seemed to be smiling. Nor should this come as a surprise, for he was moderately well off, having done well in both the pipe smoking business and midnight shoe repair service. Who wouldn’t be smiling if they were he?
On a typical day, he could be found in his den, reading a newspaper while wearing a well tailored sweater vest and smoking a pipe. He rarely raised his voice for any reason, and never used foul language, with the exception of the word ‘scamp’.
His wife, June, was a lovely woman, bordering on being a MILF, but this is a family story, so she wasn’t. In her youth, she had been a state champion in apron twirling, and still had her trophies. Even after all these years had passed, she could twirl a mean apron.
On Sundays, she always baked a fresh apple pie for her family, smiling happily as she did. The pie was delicious, by the way, and by no means a outcry against her perceived bondage and hidden lesbian desires.
It was just a very tasty pie. It won a blue ribbon at the last state fair. Heady days, those.
The Gnomblonskis had two children. The eldest, their daughter, was named Jill and was as lovely as her mother, though obviously not in the creepy MILF way, which June was also not. Instead, Jill was both a cheer leader, and an honor role student, both embracing and disproving all blonde jokes in a single non ironic manner.
At school, Jill was very popular with most of the boys, a few of the girls, and all of the Elves. This is still a family story, however, so the Elves are of no consequence, and will remain in their roomy closets for now.
Jill’s younger brother was Jack. The two had once entered an uphill water pail race, where they placed first. Every since, Jack had chosen to pursue the life of an athlete, and had done well. He was on the football team at school, where he was popular with his team mates.
None of them were Elves, though, so it wasn’t that kind of popularity. It was the normal kind, with out any subtle homoerotic tones at all, regardless of all the butt slapping in the showers.
Like his sister, Jack was very bright, and everyone saw good things in his future. His father called him sport often, and they spent time doing father son things while Jill did mother daughter things with June.
Nothing sordid, mind you. It was all very family friendly and above board. Odds are, the Family Service Trolls would have gotten involved otherwise, which they hadn’t, so it was just good clean fun.
Yes, on the surface, the Gnomblonskis looked like a perfectly normal family. It’s because they were. Nothing bad ever happened, and they all lived happily ever after, because this is that kind of story.
Copyright © 2012 Cain S. Latrani
This, and other strange stories from the obviously demented imagination of Cain S. Latrani (me), can be found in his collection of short fiction, Oddballs, available through Amazon.